It was nothing anyone

Should ever want

And yet I let it in to play

With hope as if it

Would transform into

A better type of love

That would acknowledge

And love me every day

Instead of hide me as if

I am worth nothing but

Being used until the

Boredom sets in to say

It isn’t your fault

But ill change some day

As the days became months

And the change became

Even more coarse

I had forgotten what love

Looked like since all

I felt was the pain of this

Until I no longer had

Anything left to stay

In this rotted hideaway

I had imagined

Arms embracing

While lounging

The world’s bitterness

Just another aftertaste

That the sweetness of

Your lips could fade

Away as if it was just the

Wind and you are the

Rays

I imagined that sunshine

Getting to be shared

With the world

Everyone I love getting

To celebrate as this

Pure love wasn’t captured

Yet free to admire

I imagined a partnership

Which could fend off

Dragons with our empathy

And cherish holidays

By relishing in our loved

Ones and sharing in the

Joy

I imagined a world

You played never with me

Just with another name

That reflects letters of

Mine

But reality isn’t magic

When it comes to me

And you

Ever since Valentine’s Day

When I planned for

Months

Only to realize you had

Already had someone

New to surprise

And this day

Is the moment I realized

What I imagined is

What I can give

But what I receive

Is nothing I’ll accept

Ever again

I am in love with the

Idea of love

While I experience

Love that has no

Idea of what that love

Is or can do

So I find myself

Losing my want to

Dream of moments

For fear of the reality

They’ll never be

True

To be held captive

Silent and aware

That every aspect

Of who you are

Is controlled until

There is no more

The words so pretty

With thorns so crass

Whereas my words

Long to be a brook

Swimming softly out

My mouth until

There is a meadow at which

Understanding can dock

And become our

Land

But there are so many dams

To block any advance

And yet you intentionally

Leave gaps

To drink me in

As much as you please

Until I rumble

And can no longer hold

Still

I crash and I tumble

So you attempt

To wall me up

Again

But this time is

Different

This time I’ve

Changed enclosure

Forcing me to

No longer a soft brook,

I am a river strengthening

With each

Look deep within

There is no more

Trapping, silencing

Or control

I am too wild now

It is time

To be on my

Own

A letter to myself:down by the wishing well

Dear Me,

You know, at the start of all this-I knew. I think that is why I am so broken right now. I knew this wasn’t honest or true…parts being intentionally hidden and conveniently left out. The goal was a life filled with love I only imagined in dreams and I thought the cost was temporary, but even that, I must’ve somehow knew….I knew the hidden meanings spread to me. I knew. Just because I didn’t say anything aloud, doesn’t mean I didn’t know. And by not being true to myself. By not being the core pieces of me that make me me, I knew what that would eventually do. I broke my integrity. Whether i was poly or monogamous, i had always been unapologetically transparent-sometimes to a fault. And sure i got cheated on and lied to. This… breaks my heart double. Why did I choose not to be honest to themselves or others. Why not just face it and see what could be and build trust and love through the hardship? Why not just walk away? Why make things secretive and painful until they break? I dont understand why I knew all the things I knew and yet I still choose to look right through. It makes me feel like I lied to myself all along about this future life full of love. I only feel the heartache and dont recognize myself anymore, let alone respect myself. And maybe that was the piece I didn’t know. Maybe now that this new thing, a new broken me that is unapologetically true can heal. Maybe with no happy ending. Maybe there wasn’t ever supposed to be-but maybe I knew right the first time around, and with this lesson I am learning, I can grow stronger than the person who knew but didn’t know how to choose. I want to look through to the core of me and choose to build my foundation with things that will uplift myself and others-not because no one has done this for me, but because I know what it feels like to be cut down, and to unintentionally cut others, unintentionally cut down myself. And now-Now I know what it is like to choose to cut myself down, and while I fall through to the bottom of this well, I find myself no longer giving up. I find myself wanting to be more. To be better. To intentionally build and grow. Prune what needs to be pruned, so that myself can flourish. Flourish so I can help others grow. Maybe there is no love at the bottom of this well, but there is a wish and I plan to use it well.

Sincerely,

That Quarter You Thought You Tossed, So You Told Your Secrets Until It Was You Who Fell

A letter to myself:down by the wishing well

In the shadow of the self

Are the tallest of trembles

The words never seen

Yet the quakes become

The wake of every moment

You could never believe

As the world starts to bend

To the effortless will

You’ll find it unraveling

The heart which tugs

The strings which bring

The joy you felt

Seamlessly inbetween

The light and the narrow

To the edges of night

There isn’t a rumble

Just a wave which roughly

Crumbles beneath the

Deep blue sea

Of you diving into

Me