A Moment of Remembrance

Apparently I look like my dad, I am told on a sunny Thursday afternoon. I wasn’t expecting social media to connect me across state lines to a past I keep to myself. My dad was a character, to say the least, and to talk with someone who knew him well and hear how much he talked about me in his final days brings tears of grief trauma and joy to my heart. For the first time this bodily change has brought about a sense of peace from this grief I carry like an invisible boi carrying an invisible weighted boulder that cannot be undone. When you keep things like this inside, they become a narrative you can touch and feel; emotively tangible even if those moments are not ones others would wish to hold onto. But they are mine, and with them a heavy burden that his final days were lonely and full of fear and confusion get interwoven with texts of love and laughter about me. A river washes over me, and I am told I can have more of these conversations: about my dad who I lost but hold onto. A dad that no one remembered, but would write and send me poetry on his darker days. A moment that was etched in my pain about loneliness gets a new etching of love: he talked often about me, and I am invited to hear how. Tears. Fears. And peace. I hope my love and letters gave him the peace he deserved in a situation no one deserved to have. What a beautiful day to cry.

#loss #grief #afatherslove #adaughterslove #aboislove #remembrance #moments

A Moment of Remembrance

There was this blue grass

It just showed up one day

A day just like any other

Except everything green

Bled blue

The hints and hues became

The essence of breath

The lifeline to anything

I swore I once knew

It was one of those days

Where you are careful

Care not to blink

Or breathe too quickly

Or it might all regress

The greens that used

To be the color that described

Lush. Life, love.

Now you want the blue

That changes the old

Into something effervescent

A color you could boldly

Dive blindly into

Unless you blink while

Staring up at the sky

Then you see reality

Doesn’t hold much blue

At all

Just you.

The blue was

Deeper than the

Dive

A welling of the tide

Curls along the

Ride

As if smiling with

The crash

Only to let go

I find myself kicking

Eventually ashore

But reminded of

The depths

I will forever

Long for

A somber sleep

Is never one

I meet

And yet if I

Close my eyes

I escape

To a tomorrow

Only I hold

A sunset which

Rises into the

Deep blue

Which seeps

A smile

Only sunrises

Unleash